Expect A Positive Outcome in your Marriage

Many times problems occur in a marriage because a spouse thinks that he/she can predict the future. A husband might say something like, “I know just how my wife will respond when I tell her that I’m going out.” Or a wife might say, “My husband will go berserk when my parents come over for dinner.”

The challenge with predicting future outcomes is that whether you realize it or not, you begin to act in a certain way, which broadcasts your expectations of your partner. The outcome we fear is usually brought about by these subtle signals we project……

When you anticipate failure or feel defeated before you approach a challenging situation, its helpful to ask yourself how you would handle the situation differently if you

were expecting a positive outcome. How would your approach to your partner differ, if you thought he/she would respond lovingly?

Once you have decided which approach would bring about a different response, pretend you are expecting good things to happen, then watch what happens.

For example, my friend Mispah had been away from home for one week of job training. During that period, she called home every day to check on her husband and 3 children. By mid week, Mispah could tell that her husband John was getting tired of playing Mr. Mom. He grew less friendly with each passing call.

When she arrived at the airport, on her way back home, she felt a knot in her stomach. John was meeting her at the airport. Mispah assumed that John would not be excited to see her and would just want to pass the kids over to her and go out for a few beers.

Because Mispah was expecting an icy reception, she probably would have gotten it.

But she remembered one of our previous conversations. She asked herself, “How would I greet John if I wanted him to be happy to see me? What could I say or do when I saw him, to help change his mood?”

So Mispah decided to act as if John was elated about her home coming. And she did.

She greeted him, exuberantly hugging and kissing him, and proceeded to tell him all about the training and who she met there. Then she asked him about the kids and praised him for doing such an awesome job.

After 15 seconds, Mispah said that John was thrilled to see her; and that the ride home was great.

So the next time you find yourself thinking negative about how a situation may turn out; stop for a moment and ask yourself,

a) “How was I going to approach this situation given my pessimistic thought?

b) How would I want the situation to turn out instead?

c) What would I do differently if I was expecting good things to happen.”

Regardless of your skepticism about the possible outcome, do all the things you would do as if you were expecting a positive outcome. Then watch the results!

There are 7 strategies that have effectively helped thousands solve disagreements in their marriages. There are also 5 stages that each marriage must go through. Learn all about these strategies and identify which stage your marriage is in, by typing your first name and e-mail address in the top right hand corner of this; then click “Yes, sign me up.”

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Fixing Your Marriage

Some people love to ‘Fix it all’, to the point where fixing their marriage becomes a central focus.

While this may seem like a good idea, the challenge with it is that relationships, for the most part, are like see-saws. The more one person does something, the less the other person will do. For example, if one spouse takes out the garbage all the time, the other spouse won’t even give second thoughts to taking out the garbage. If one partner does all the laundry or remembers other family member’s birthdays, the other partner won’t wash the clothes or think about birthdays. Sometimes the very best thing a ‘Fix it all’ person can do is just back off and do nothing. And you will find that by doing this, it gives the other partner an opportunity to step up to the plate, and become the problem solver.

A married couple told me of their situation. Jane and Thomas were raising 11 year old twin girls. Jane felt as if Thomas was too harsh and strict with them, and that he should correct them in a loving manner.

On the other hand, Thomas constantly told Jane that she was too soft and a push over for the girls. Because of this indifference, Jane and Thomas argued quite often. If one of the girls did something, Jane would mildly correct them, while Thomas would come down on them very hard. Then Jane would step in and reassure the daughter, to soften Thomas’ impact. Of course, this made Thomas even more upset; to the point where he would lash out at both Jane and the girls. Jane’s ultimate goal was to help the girls feel good about themselves, and to encourage a more loving relationship between the girls and their father. However, her actions were bringing out the opposite of what she wanted. So for years, Jane tried to become the ‘Fix it all’ person.

While Jane was out of town on a business trip for a few days, she received a call from the girls saying that their dad was yelling and telling them mean things.

Jane hung up the phone called me. I told her to let them work it out and not to say anything to Thomas. So she called back home and told her husband that she loved him and continued on with her business meetings.

While at the airport on her way home the next day, Jane called home; and to her surprise Thomas answered the phone. She asked, “What are you doing home from work so early. It’s only 4:00 o’clock.”

Thomas answered, “I felt guilty about the incident last night with me and the girls, so I decided to pick them up from school early today and treat them to dinner tonight and buy them each a small gift.

Jane was shocked and was silent for a moment. Then she asked him if that made him feel better. Thomas replied, “Much better.” Without Jane pointing fingers and butting in on the phone, things worked out and turned it self around. Thomas fixed it without her, and the relationship between the girls and their dad grew closer.

Jane learned that she didn’t have to ‘Fix it all’, and that by doing nothing, she actually did something.

If you are the fix it all person in your marriage, consider taking a sabbatical sometimes. Relax. Give your spouse the opportunity to step up to the plate. You might be surprised with the outcome.

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Are We Complimenting or Criticizing Our Spouse?

Take an in depth look at your marriage; would your spouse say that you are critical or complimentary? In most cases that I have seen, the spouses said that their partners were more critical. If we really think about it, we are not shy about telling our love ones what we dislike about them. We inform them when they have done something wrong, disappointed us, hurt our feelings or when we are dissatisfied about an issue.

On the other hand, we hesitate to tell them the good stuff, or to compliment them for doing something right. We may think that our spouse look good in a particular outfit, but we fail to tell them. We may love the meal that they prepared, but forgot to positively comment on it. When they come home early to spend time with the family, we complain about the amount of time we spend apart, instead of being thankful.

Your spouse may decide to have sex a little more often just to please you, but instead you complain about the same positions all the time. In other words, before we appreciate the things that they do, we highlight the things that they don’t do.

In our marriage, we sometimes confuse assertiveness with criticism. Even though there is a time a place for being critical; if we want to positively influence the people around us, there are other ways to do it.

Studies have shown that the most effective way to bring about behavioral change is to positively reward or reinforce the person when they are doing what we want them to do. When compliments, hugs, a note of thanks or appreciation is given at the time of an occurrence, it brings about change much more effectively than complaining or repeated discussions of unhappiness.

Joan constantly complained about Michael’s lack of attentiveness to their 9 month old baby. So he decided to help out a little bit more. He began changing diapers and preparing bottles more often.

Even though Joan saw his efforts, she complained about him not doing it the way she does. And of course, this discouraged Michael. He told her to do it herself since she knows more about this type of stuff than he does.

Joan became angry. In talking to her, I suggested that she apologize to Michael for being critical and find as many reasons to compliment him as possible.

She accepted my recommendations and began complimenting him more. Every time he did something for the baby, she would either smile or say something that she knew he would like.

The more she encouraged him, the more he reached out to both her and the baby.

After a few weeks, Michael was delighted to leave work and rush home to take care of their little baby.

Their relationship improved tremendously.

When you encourage small steps and make your spouse feel good about him or herself, then he/she would be more willing to please you. And maybe, with some luck, he/she may just get it “right”.

For assistance in your marriage, go to:

www.bestmarriagesecrets.com

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Are We Complimenting or Criticizing Our Spouse?