While this may seem like a good idea, the challenge with it is that relationships, for the most part, are like see-saws. The more one person does something, the less the other person will do. For example, if one spouse takes out the garbage all the time, the other spouse won’t even give second thoughts to taking out the garbage. If one partner does all the laundry or remembers other family member’s birthdays, the other partner won’t wash the clothes or think about birthdays.       Sometimes the very best thing a ‘Fix it all’ person can do is just back off and do nothing. And you will find that by doing this, it gives the other partner an opportunity to step up to the plate, and become the problem solver.    

     A married couple told me of their situation. Jane and Thomas were raising 11 year old twin girls. Jane felt as if Thomas was too harsh and strict with them, and that he should correct them in a loving manner.     

     On the other hand, Thomas constantly told Jane that she was too soft and a push over for the girls.  Because of this indifference, Jane and Thomas argued quite often.            If one of the girls did something, Jane would mildly correct them, while Thomas would come down on them very hard. Then Jane would step in and reassure the daughter, to soften Thomas’ impact.            Of course, this made Thomas even more upset; to the point where he would lash out at both Jane and the girls.      Jane’s ultimate goal was to help the girls feel good about themselves, and to encourage a more loving relationship between the girls and their father.  However, her actions were bringing out the opposite of what she wanted. So for years, Jane tried to become the ‘Fix it all’ person.     

     While Jane was out of town on a business trip for a few days, she received a call from the girls saying that their dad was yelling and telling them mean things.          

    Jane hung up the phone called me. I told her to let them work it out and not to say anything to Thomas.           So she called back home and told her husband that she loved him and continued on with her business meetings.     

    While at the airport on her way home the next day, Jane called home; and to her surprise Thomas answered the phone. She asked, “What are you doing home from work so early. It’s only 4:00 o’clock.”     

    Thomas answered, “I felt guilty about the incident last night with me and the girls, so I decided to pick them up from school early today and treat them to dinner tonight and buy them each a small gift.           

     Jane was shocked and was silent for a moment. Then she asked him if that made him feel better. Thomas replied, “Much better.”            Without Jane pointing fingers and butting in on the phone, things worked out and turned it self around. Thomas fixed it without her, and the relationship between the girls and their dad grew closer.

         Jane learned that she didn’t have to ‘Fix it all’, and that by doing nothing, she actually did something. 

     If you are the fix it all person in your marriage, consider taking a sabbatical sometimes. Relax. Give your spouse the opportunity to step up to the plate. You might be surprised with the outcome.

    There are 7 strategies that have effectively helped thousands solve disagreements in their marriages. There are also 5 stages that each marriage must go through. Learn all about these strategies and identify which stage your marriage is in, by typing your first name and e-mail address in the top right hand corner of this blog, then click ‘Yes, sign me up.’

     The most common cause for this is because the individuals are seeking to define the marriage i.e. do it my way and things will work, do it your way and it won’t.      

       At this stage, each spouse has a difficult time understanding why their spouse is so adamant about their point of view. They wonder why their mate is being spiteful, stubborn or controlling. Over a period of time, this attitude can take a toll on the relationship. Frustration, hurt and anger may set in. Because of the fear of losing, or being seen as the weaker partner, little or no attempt is made to see the other person’s point of view.          

        When it gets to this, a lot of people reach a cross road in their marriage. They are frustrated and hurt because their lives seem not to be going anywhere. There seem to be multiple confrontations. This results in one of 3 choices being made:                

                             1)        They give up—- Saying that they have tried everything. Its not working. They convince themselves that they have either fallen out of love or married the wrong person. Divorce appears to be the only solution.                         

                             2)       They lead separate lives—Which usually leads to living unhappily for quite some time.                                                3)       They work to overcome the challenge—They develop ways to interact and understand each other better. They settle on some medium ground or make compromises when making decisions.                                      

                              Those who embark on the latter are the fortunate ones, because the bond between them grows stronger and stronger and they continue to enjoy years of marital bliss.  

                               There are 7 Myths about Marriage. Find out what they are by typing your first name and e-mail address in the sign up box to your top right, then click ‘Yes, sign me up.’

     One of the major reasons for such high divorce rates is the unreasonable expectations of marriage; which leads to disappointments. When disappointment sets in, we believed that we have a flawed marriage, or have married the wrong person. With such belief, divorce is most likely imminent.      

     If you begin your marriage with false expectations of what it takes to make it work, no matter how long you stay together, you will have major challenges. And if you cement those ideas by saying to yourself ‘I am right and my spouse if wrong’ it only makes matters worst.

     While none of us were born with a manual, much of our introduction to marriage comes from either our parents, family members or friends. No matter whose marriage you were exposed to, remember that yours is different because there are two completely different individuals involved in your marriage.        So here are two ideas to ponder:      1)     Reduce or eliminate expectations for your marriage. Live today, enjoy today and work toward a better and brighter tomorrow as you grow together in your relationship. In other words, set goals and work toward them as your create the marriage you want.

     2)     Realize that marriages go through different phases. Just like the weather; some days its sunny, some days it cold, others overcast and rainy, while others are stormy. All marriages are confronted with changes. But when stormy days arrive, the true test of your union will be ‘how did we weather the storm.’ Those who usually stand firm during times of storms, come out at the other end with a stronger and renewed love for each other.             

       There are 7 Myths about Marriage. Find out what they are by typing your first name and e-mail address in the sign up box to your right, then click ‘Yes, sign me up.’ 

    Midlife crisis can happen at any age. While going through this phase, many men feel as if their lives would be better if they were single, had better sex, were admired, had less responsibilities, were hanging out with the guys more or endured less nagging from their wives. They may feel depressed and unhappy as if something is terribly wrong.    

     Sometimes they may not be quite sure what is driving this uneasiness; but they seek to depart from their marriage to find out.     

     Other times, men may know what is causing their discomfort. It could range anywhere from “I got married because I felt pressured or because she was pregnant or  for the wrong reasons” to “Our sex life is not exciting or I need some one who appreciates me more.” So they begin to dream of life on the other side of the fence.     

     For men in their forty’s, midlife crisis may show up as excessive development of different habits such as  working out, buying new clothes or a new sports car.     

     For younger men, even though they may not be experiencing a receding hair line or expanding waistline, they try to free themselves from feelings of distress and anxiousness by leaving the marriage.    

     Instead of facing up to what’s going on in their marriage and resolve to fixing it, they try to free themselves from the depression by moving on.    

     In the meantime, the wives try their endeavor to convince the husbands not to leave. They may try counseling, having friends talk to them, giving them books to read, showing them photos of happier days or talking to their parents. But this all seem to push them further away.

There are 7 Myths about Marriage. Find out what they are by typing your first name and e-mail address in the sign up box to your right, then click ‘Yes, sign me up.’ 

     During the early stages of a marriage, women are usually the premier care takers of the relationship. They are generally concerned with ideas such as: a) Are we spending enough time together  b) Are the emotional needs of this relationship being met?  If these two priorities are not satisfied, then she begins to question; ‘What are you doing with your time? Why is work or friends more important than me?’

     In some cases men, not realizing the importance of these factors to women, think that their wives are nagging them. So men brush them off, and sometimes become withdrawn. In their frustration the women complain even more. The complaints may sound like, ‘Why do you come home and not assist me in the house?’ or ‘You like to watch television instead of spending time with me?’ or ‘I do everything around here,’ and so on……

      This is the woman’s way of saying ‘I need more of your time.’ But, on the other hand, he takes this as nagging.

      After months, maybe years of neglect in these areas, the women give up out of frustration. They may say, ’I have tried almost everything……but it’s not working.’ She may feel alone in her marriage. She will tell herself that she needs some one to care for her or that she will be happier without him. And from that point onward, she plans her eventual “get away” from the marriage.

       Her escape is usually planned around certain events occurring such as….when the kids leave home, or after she goes back to school to get a degree; or she waits until she meets someone who shows his affection for her, and then she leaves. 

      At this point, the wife is no longer trying to fix her marriage. She stops complaining. On the other hand, the husband feels relieved and thrilled that she has quieted down. At least so he thinks. He goes on his daily life as usual until one day she says to him, ’I want a divorce.’ To his surprise, he wants to find out what has happened because he did not know that she was unhappy.

      He tries his endeavor to make things work but it’s too late. She has built a wall around herself and is fully ready to move forward with a divorce.

        There are 7 Myths about Marriage. Find out what they are by typing your first name and e-mail address in the sign up box to your right, then click ‘Yes, sign me up.’ 

      Here is the reality. Hollywood marriages are for the most part, a made up story in the minds of the writers. Their job is to entertain and make money, not to enlighten us.

     Additionally, as individuals, we cannot compare ourselves with others.  Our Creator created us all, unique. We are all special in our own way; and of the 7+ billion people on planet earth, there is only one of you and your spouse.

      It is important to mention that many good marriages are boring. There is not much excitement in them. There is nothing sensual about cleaning the dishes, doing the laundry, cooking, going to work every day, or changing diapers. However, there are trade offs. For example, no value can be placed on the love that children feel when they are cared or hugged; or the eye contact between husband and wife; or doing the little things that count and making a huge difference in the life of some one you love; or the warmth you feel when your spouse is around.

     There is no monetary value that can be added to the happiness of a simple yet fulfilling and profound marriage. 

     There are 7 Myths about Marriage. Find out what they are by typing your first name and e-mail address in the sign up box to your right, then click ‘Yes, sign me up.’ 

     In the divorce process, the system puts one partner against the other, with a judge in the middle making the final decision. Usually, the most persuasive side wins. While this may be a good strategy for a criminal or commercial case, this is not always in the best interest of a family. It puts husbands against wives, mothers against fathers, which results in animosity and leads to……the trial.

     Even though a partner may just want to protect themselves, sometimes this attempt to protect could lead to lack of civil communication or may kill the possibility of reconciliation between the two.

     The mere fact that you have consulted an attorney means that you have given serious thought to getting divorce. You can always pull the trigger on your marriage. But when you do, realize that this will change your life forever; especially if children are involved.  Therefore, I usually suggest that after you have given up on your marriage, that you give it at least one year to attempt to reconcile, and during that time, do every thing that is in your power to save your marriage. I suggest this for two reasons: 1)  If the marriage did not work out, at least you would have given it your all. You won’t have to feel guilty about doing so. You won’t have to say ‘what if I had done this’ or ‘what if I had said that.’ 2) Sometimes, when  a marriage hits rock bottom, or seem to be at the end of its rope, that’s when things turn around. I have seen this happen on many occasions. 

     My final point is that history has proven that reconcilia

tion is possible if the other partner did not seek to retaliate.           There are 7 Myths about Marriage. Find out what they are by typing your first name and e-mail address in the sign up box to your right, then click ‘Yes, sign me up.’ 

     It is a known fact  that Hollywood glamorise marriages and down play the pain and emotional distress of divorce. The trauma of blending families and single parenthood is not fully exposed in their films. We are also  not often revealed to the ‘war’ between spouses, as they make decisions between their biological and step children; which sometimes causes up to 60% divorce rate in second marriages.

     Nor are we exposed to the poverty level of many singe parents, especially women. Hollywood implies that the process of and life after divorce seem so easy.

     In a survey given to many young men and women, it is their desire to get married and stay together. Not to mention that this is such a healthy thing for the society as a whole. It is a proven fact that people who remain married for  long periods of time live much happier and healthier lives.  And this long term commitment benefits men, women children and society as a whole.

     Here are two other points to consider in thinking about divorce. If you have friends or family members who are divorced, and they feel that the divorced has improved their lives dramatically, that doesn’t mean that you will feel the same way too.

     Additionally, you may feel like a divorce will free you from your spouse, however, when children are involved, ‘there is no such thing as divorce.’ That spouse will remain in your life for years to come because, you will be in communication about visitations, vacations, money, holidays, any other partners that may have entered either of your lives, and many other issues relating to that child.

     As a matter of fact, spouses don’t disappear with divorce, and neither does your problems. 

     In a marriage people develop relationship habits, so in a divorce, when one person leaves, he/she take their habits with them.

       There are 7 Myths about Marriage. Find out what they are by typing your first name and e-mail address in the sign up box to your right, then click ‘Yes, sign me up.’ 

     First, when you share your unhappiness with some one else, what they hear is your side of the story, and your side only. Even though your feelings about your spouse are valid, they are none the less, biased. Therefore, the advise that they are giving to you is based just on your side of the story, and not the parts that you may have accidentally left out, and certainly not the other spouses side. This may complicate a marriage even more.

      Second, because you are very dear to your family and friends they can’t bear to see you in pain. Therefore they will steer you in the direction of what they think is the quickest escape from your emotional torture. They may try to convince themselves and you that since your spouse is the problem, you should get rid of him/her. They may say things like, ”You don’t deserve this; why don’t you get out.” They want to see an end to your unhappiness.  

       Finally, your confidant can only advise you to the extent of their success or failure in their personal relationship. Their advise is based on how they view life. Which may or may not add another bias to your situation.

       One thing I would like to say about confidants is that after you have made whatever decision you make about your relationship, you are the one who have to live with that decision. Your friend or family member may be there for you, but you are the only one who will be feeling the pain.

       I am not saying that you should not discuss your marital issues with some one else sometimes. On the contrary, what I am saying is that in listening to their advice, just remember that, a) their opinion is most likely a bias one, b) It will make them feel better if you are not so unhappy, thus making their advise also self-serving c) They can only advise you to the extent of their personal relationships.

P.S.

      There are 7 Myths about Marriage. Find out what they are by typing your first name and e-mail address in the sign up box to your right, then click ‘Yes, sign me up.’